Happy Singles Awareness Day!

That Awkward Moment (2014)
Chick Flick Rating: (1/5)
Film Rating: (1/5)
Boyfriend Friendly: If he is actually your boyfriend, yes. If he is a guy you’re just dating and haven’t had the “so, where is this going?” talk yet, then NO NO NO.

If there has ever been a movie to deter me from ever wanting to date in New York City again, this was that movie.

Now listen, I may pride myself on having an unhealthy obsession with chick flicks but I also LOVE myself some guy humor. I mean, I may or may not have spent my Valentine’s Day night sitting on the couch with my two roommates watching fart videos on YouTube like this one:


(Note: our V-Day wasn’t completely void of any class. Prior to this we smuggled some Two-Buck Chuck into a movie theater and saw Her for the 3rd time. Review to come.)

Anyway, my point is that normally I can overlook the copious amount of sexism that is prevalent in most “guy humor” flicks, IF they are indeed funny and original and all of that other stuff that makes a movie enjoyable. But the most awkward moment in That Awkward Moment was five minutes in when I realized I had already cringed at two flat jokes about how easy-yet-needy females are and still had a full hour and 29 minutes to suffer through.

The film opens up with some VO by Zac Efron telling us about this dreaded thing he calls “The So Moment” which occurs after roughly six weeks of fucking a girl where she asks (while his dick is inside her, obvs), “So… where is this going?” because, I mean, girls can just never have casual sex and ALWAYS have to let emotions get involved and just want to be in a relationship with anyone who will be in a relationship with us. Right?! After this, we meet Mikey (Michael B. Jordan) whose wife is cheating on him with some guy “who looks like Morris Chestnut” (and is played by Morris Chestnut, which actually did make me laugh). He tells his besties Jason (Efron) and Daniel (Miles Teller) about it, and they all decide YEAH! THIS IS GREAT! WE CAN ALL BE SINGLE GUYS WHO BANG LOTS OF CHICKS AND PLAY XBOX IN OUR BOXERS WHILE DRINKING WHISKEY TOGETHER! POUND IT.

Except then Jason meets Ellie (Imogen Poots) who is perfect because she is blonde, and witty, and well-read, and forgives him when he misunderstands what she meant by “dressing up” for her birthday and shows up wearing a dildo (which is not only a total Legally Blonde rip-off but also an inappropriate costume choice for anyone not in a fraternity even if this WAS a costume party). Also, she’s really good at Xbox and drinks Scotch. And did I mention she’s cool with the fact that he thought she was a hooker when they first met? Meanwhile, Daniel starts hooking up with his super down-to-earth gal pal Chelsea (Mackenzie Davis), and Mikey and his wife give their marriage another go. But of course, the friends aren’t honest with one another about their relationships. Because they made a pact. And bro pacts are ALWAYS more important than the feelings of a female. So they all downplay it, to the point where Jason stands up Ellie AT HER OWN DAD’S FUCKING FUNERAL because that would make him look weak to the guys. God forbid!

Spoiler alert: Ellie forgives him at the end. Of course.

Anyway, this film – written and directed by Tom Gormican – was just one bad joke after another. It was literally like his formula for writing this script was sexist cliche + trying-to-be-edgy pop culture ref, followed by lame joke, repeat. As you know, I am a big Zac Efron fan for more than just his looks and I defended his acting in my review for The Lucky One. I stand by that opinion here, and I also feel the same about Michael B. Jordan (whose Fruitvale Station performance moved me beyond belief) and Miles Teller, who I haven’t seen much of but like his comedic timing. Why any of them would agree to this movie though is beyond me. Maybe they thought they’d find the comedic success that Bradley Cooper, Ed Helms, and Zach Galifianakis did after The Hangover, or like the whole Apatow crowd did after Superbad, but sorry guys – the material just WAS NOT there.

As they say, don’t hate the players, hate the game. Well, I REALLY hated this game.

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This Means War

This Means War (2012)
Chick Flick Rating: ♥ ♥ ♥ ½ (3.5/5)
Film Rating: ★ ★ (2/5)
Boyfriend friendly: Yes! Lots of explosions & your guy def had a dude-crush on Tom Hardy in Inception.

If a deadly terrorist with a German(?) accent had you at gunpoint… would you choose to spend the rest of your life making steamy, hot lovin’ with Tom Hardy (devilishly handsome, British) or Chris Pine (blue-eyed beauty, flawless complexion)?

Unfortunately poor Lauren Scott (Reese Witherspoon) has just that very problem! Struggling to get back in the game after catching her long-term boyfriend doing the nasty with a pilates instructor, Lauren’s best friend Trish (Chelsea Handler) makes her one helluva online dating profile. Within seconds, “travel agent” and single FILF, Tuck (Hardy), messages her and they have a casual but chemistry-flared first date. But for whatever reason the date ends by, like, 4PM (judging by my internal sundial), so Lauren stops to rent a movie on her way home. It just so happens, this video store is frequented by ladies man FDR (Pine), who hangs there to prey on single women. (Perhaps FDR should’ve had the initials “JFK” instead?) Of course, Lauren doesn’t fall for his suave shtick, and he’s all the more into her because of it. Since Lauren’s a top product tester for a consumer magazine, deciding between the two should be no problemo. But what she doesn’t know is that Tuck and FDR are BFFs/CIA partners…and they’ve declared war over her.

Now, before I go any further, I have to ask two questions:
1) Can someone find me the dating site that has one guy as perfect as Tom Hardy?
Cause generally IF they do happen to actually look as hot as their profile photo portrays (which is a less than 1% chance), then they have a major personality flaw, like severe anger management issues. Not that I speak from experience or anything…
2) Are video rental stores even around anymore?! I know this script was written 10 years ago, but doesn’t every script go through re-writes? There wasn’t ONE other place Lauren and FDR could have met? Cause even if there is one store left somewhere, I’m pretty sure a top product tester like Lauren would know that Netflix is the better only way to rent.

Those logistics aside, I did enjoy watching This Means War. It aimed to strike the same chords as Charlie’s Angels, another McG directed chick flick. Although not as successful, it certainly had its fair share of action-packed thrills, laughs, and cheesy romance. Were there a ton of plot holes? Of course. Did I see the ending coming from a mile away? Sure did. Did Tuck and FDR destroy an entire restaurant during a fight, but somehow the managers/patrons disappeared into thin air? Um, yes. So why was I able to enjoy This Means War when I hated the similar One For The Money? Easy: the acting. With a different cast, this movie could’ve been a complete fail. But these actors have fun with their roles and create hysterical chemistry between Lauren/Tuck, Lauren/FDR, Trish/her cheeto-eating husband, and of course, the Tuck/FDR bromance. Tuck & FDR’s attempts to win over Lauren are creepy but in a pathetically endearing and AWESOME way, requiring FDR to rescue an “old bastard of a dog”, Tuck to whoop a little kid’s ass in paintball, and for both of them to take severe liberties with the Patriot Act.

Sometimes it’s nice to go to a movie you can just enjoy and not think too hard about. So I recommend seeing This Means War in theaters when you need a little break from real life. In the meantime, comment below and let me know who you would choose! I’m Team Tom. Yes, obviously because he’s British. But also because I have a bit of a personal vendetta against Chris Pine after he replaced Robert Schwartzman in The Princess Diaries 2. I never fully recovered from that sequel…