About chickflickcritic

Forever trying to help elitist filmgoers understand that some movies aren't meant to be artsy, they're just meant to make you feel good...

Endless Love for Endless Love

Endless Love (2014)
Chick Flick Rating: ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ (4/5)
Film Rating: ★ ★ ★ (3/5)
Boyfriend Friendly: No. But he sure as hell better take you anyway. With a notepad in hand.

I will start this review out by saying that it is exactly movies like this that made me start this site in the first place. Endless Love is currently at a 14% critic rating on Rotten Tomatoes. 14%! That’s so low that on Valentine’s Day, I opted to see Her for the 3rd time because I didn’t want to risk being more bummed than I already was (it was my first single V-Day in 5 years, gimme a break). So instead, I dragged myself to a matinee this morning. And you know what? I loved it. Apparently, so did 67% of the Rotten Tomatoes audience – proving once again that critics need to chill the eff out and critique a romance film like a romance film. Or they don’t because, you know, I do take pride in being the voice of reason.

I have never seen the original Endless Love, nor I have read the book that the 1981 film is based off of, but I have read summaries of both and they sound really depressing. I mean, I can recognize the beauty in a solidly-written tragic love story. I am a bit of a Romeo and Juliet junkie, to the point where I’ve already picked out the brownstone future me plans to live in on Montague Street in Brooklyn Heights. But it is awards season, which means there are enough heavy movies out right now that sometimes you need to throw a good ole fashioned whimsical romance into the mix. Is that so awful? According to Peter Travers, yes. To me? Quite the contrary.

The trailer tells you all you need to know about the movie: “She comes from a world of privilege and power, but she’ll leave it all behind for him.” Clichéd? A bit. Melodramatic? That’s an understatement. But aren’t all romance films to a degree? Hell, aren’t ALL romances in general? I know every relationship I’ve ever been in has had its fair share of both – doubly so in the melodramatic department. Plus, I never get sick of seeing the good girl meets “wrong side of the tracks” guy story play out because, as a notorious good girl, I can say with confidence that most of us do have a hidden desire to run off with a quote/unquote bad boy. Granted, I can also say with confidence that when that does happen, it more often than not ends the way the original Endless Love does. But that story is for a different day!

Anyway, I’m not going to spend too much time on the plot because you’ve seen it rehashed a million times but Jade Butterfield (Gabriella Wilde) is a beautiful, teenage recluse whose spent her high school years locked up mourning the loss of her older brother. On the day of graduation, her classmate David Elliot (Alex Pettyfer), who has been eying her for years from afar, finally gets to make his move when the Butterfields show up for dinner where he valets. He invites her for a joyride in a Maserati he’s parking, and in an instance of spontaneity she says yes (obviously while holed up at home she got the chance to watch Transformers and knew that 50 years from now, she’d want to say she had the guts to get in the car). Thus, the beginning of a glorious summer romance. The only issues are that her Dad is a total hardass/jackass who isn’t into the fact that David’s only aspiration in life is to work as a mechanic in his father’s garage and that instead of a whole summer together – they only have two weeks, because Jade’s leaving for Brown early for an internship.

The movie is chock full of darling love scenes and montages that will make you swoon (or make you really bitter… depending on your outlook on love this week), including an adorable moment where David calls the cops on a rival party going on so that all the kids there will come to Jade’s graduation party, which was formerly a no-show bust. Pettyfer does this 911 call in his legitimate British accent by the way… which, given the fact that he and Wilde are both Brits, I just don’t understand why they didn’t set the film in the UK because that would have been too hot to handle. I know some had complaints about the pair’s chemistry, but I am the self-proclaimed chemistry police and I didn’t have any issue. Pettyfer, who I didn’t care for in Magic Mike, was charming and I totally bought him as a hopeless romantic (or as Jade’s father called him a “homeless romantic”). His attraction to Jade started as a mere infatuation but I saw where that transpired into actual love (post-grad party, when he is walking on the hoods of cars like a giddy boy who just discovered masturbation). I also enjoyed seeing Jade find herself, as she grew from a closeted girl to a spontaneous woman finally ready to enjoy life. Many critics had problems with the way Wilde constantly twirled and pranced around on camera, but I challenge all of those writers to go back to the first time they experienced love and try to claim that they didn’t do the same. I mean, I remember when I got my first KISS I came home screaming and jumping up and down like a lunatic. My family rushed downstairs thinking something terrible happened. No, Gary, some guy named Alex with a car just kissed your 15 year-old daughter in your driveway. Go back to sleep.

I am so used to romance movies ending SAD and unrequited lately, that I was petrified (pettyferfried?) this would end like the film/novel it set out to remake. When everything went up in flames at the end (literally), I couldn’t help but let out a gasp and clasp my mouth in fear. But this film has a happy ending, and I was grateful for that. Endless Love is not life-changing, but it knows exactly the type of movie it is and it does it well – incorporating romance, adventure, fireworks and all of the others things I ever want into a sappy, feel-good chick flick.

Since there hasn’t been enough Ryan Gosling on screen lately, I will end with a shout-out to my new favorite website, KissingRyan.com. You’re welcome, ladies:

Advertisements

Happy Singles Awareness Day!

That Awkward Moment (2014)
Chick Flick Rating: (1/5)
Film Rating: (1/5)
Boyfriend Friendly: If he is actually your boyfriend, yes. If he is a guy you’re just dating and haven’t had the “so, where is this going?” talk yet, then NO NO NO.

If there has ever been a movie to deter me from ever wanting to date in New York City again, this was that movie.

Now listen, I may pride myself on having an unhealthy obsession with chick flicks but I also LOVE myself some guy humor. I mean, I may or may not have spent my Valentine’s Day night sitting on the couch with my two roommates watching fart videos on YouTube like this one:


(Note: our V-Day wasn’t completely void of any class. Prior to this we smuggled some Two-Buck Chuck into a movie theater and saw Her for the 3rd time. Review to come.)

Anyway, my point is that normally I can overlook the copious amount of sexism that is prevalent in most “guy humor” flicks, IF they are indeed funny and original and all of that other stuff that makes a movie enjoyable. But the most awkward moment in That Awkward Moment was five minutes in when I realized I had already cringed at two flat jokes about how easy-yet-needy females are and still had a full hour and 29 minutes to suffer through.

The film opens up with some VO by Zac Efron telling us about this dreaded thing he calls “The So Moment” which occurs after roughly six weeks of fucking a girl where she asks (while his dick is inside her, obvs), “So… where is this going?” because, I mean, girls can just never have casual sex and ALWAYS have to let emotions get involved and just want to be in a relationship with anyone who will be in a relationship with us. Right?! After this, we meet Mikey (Michael B. Jordan) whose wife is cheating on him with some guy “who looks like Morris Chestnut” (and is played by Morris Chestnut, which actually did make me laugh). He tells his besties Jason (Efron) and Daniel (Miles Teller) about it, and they all decide YEAH! THIS IS GREAT! WE CAN ALL BE SINGLE GUYS WHO BANG LOTS OF CHICKS AND PLAY XBOX IN OUR BOXERS WHILE DRINKING WHISKEY TOGETHER! POUND IT.

Except then Jason meets Ellie (Imogen Poots) who is perfect because she is blonde, and witty, and well-read, and forgives him when he misunderstands what she meant by “dressing up” for her birthday and shows up wearing a dildo (which is not only a total Legally Blonde rip-off but also an inappropriate costume choice for anyone not in a fraternity even if this WAS a costume party). Also, she’s really good at Xbox and drinks Scotch. And did I mention she’s cool with the fact that he thought she was a hooker when they first met? Meanwhile, Daniel starts hooking up with his super down-to-earth gal pal Chelsea (Mackenzie Davis), and Mikey and his wife give their marriage another go. But of course, the friends aren’t honest with one another about their relationships. Because they made a pact. And bro pacts are ALWAYS more important than the feelings of a female. So they all downplay it, to the point where Jason stands up Ellie AT HER OWN DAD’S FUCKING FUNERAL because that would make him look weak to the guys. God forbid!

Spoiler alert: Ellie forgives him at the end. Of course.

Anyway, this film – written and directed by Tom Gormican – was just one bad joke after another. It was literally like his formula for writing this script was sexist cliche + trying-to-be-edgy pop culture ref, followed by lame joke, repeat. As you know, I am a big Zac Efron fan for more than just his looks and I defended his acting in my review for The Lucky One. I stand by that opinion here, and I also feel the same about Michael B. Jordan (whose Fruitvale Station performance moved me beyond belief) and Miles Teller, who I haven’t seen much of but like his comedic timing. Why any of them would agree to this movie though is beyond me. Maybe they thought they’d find the comedic success that Bradley Cooper, Ed Helms, and Zach Galifianakis did after The Hangover, or like the whole Apatow crowd did after Superbad, but sorry guys – the material just WAS NOT there.

As they say, don’t hate the players, hate the game. Well, I REALLY hated this game.

Let It Go, Let It Snow, Let It Go

Frozen (2013)
Chick Flick Rating: ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ (4/5)
Film Rating: ★ ★ ★ (3/5)
Boyfriend Friendly: This movie is so girl power that you won’t even want him there. Go with your sister instead so you can fight over who’s the Anna and who’s the Elsa afterwards.

As I sit here watching the Sochi Olympics, lamenting over my short-lived career as a 7 year-old figure skater where I was much more focused on the piping hot churro that I was rewarded with after every lesson than I was on landing my toe loop (can you blame me?), I figured this would be the perfect time to write a review on the pretty-surprising Disney smash Frozen.

Now, let me start off with a disclaimer: for as much as I loved it, I did have some issues with Frozen – mostly with the plot, which at times felt rushed and at other times had its holes. For this alone, I do not think it holds a candle to The Lion King, and is definitely not above Aladdin or Beauty and the Beast. BUT the animation was gorgeous, the music was uplifting, and the story was inspiring and fairly feminist as far as Disney movies go. So, it was a win in my book. Plus, I definitely shed more than my fair share of tears during the show-stopping “Let It Go”… but, more on that later.

Frozen is based off Hans Christian Andersen’s The Snow Queen, and when I say based I mean that, like Andersen’s fairytale, there is a fierce woman who has the ability to turn things into snow/ice and the comparisons really stop there – give or take a troll or two. But that’s okay, because truthfully that story can be a little scary and very preachy so I was good with the creative liberties that the Disney team took (No offense, Hans). Anyway, Elsa and Anna are princess sisters who live in the luscious realm of Arendelle and all is good and well except for the fact that Elsa was born with icy powers that sometimes shoot out of her unexpectedly. This can be fun when you’re doing things like transforming your banquet hall into a winter wonderland, but not so much when you accidentally strike your baby sis with a laser beam of ice. The King and Queen rush Anna to some magical trolls who heal her, but warn the King and Queen that Elsa’s powers must be controlled and that any memory that Anna has of Elsa’s powers must be erased. Cut to a bunch of years later: the King and Queen are dead (Disney HATES parents), Elsa is about to be coronated, and the two sisters haven’t had much interaction since The Ice Incident – which Anna doesn’t remember and therefore thinks Elsa is just a cold-hearted b*tch. But really, Elsa has been hiding in her bedroom in fear, wearing gloves, and trying not to freeze everything in sight. (And you thought King Midas had it bad… at least he had the power of gold, not cold.)

*Groan*. I just re-read that last sentence. Sorry guys, this is my first review in a year and a half. I’m a little rusty. Moving on…

The day of Elsa’s coronation, the castle doors open up for the first time in years and all of the teenage hormonal angst that had been building up within Anna erupts when she meets Prince Hans of Mutton Chops. Actually, he was from someplace else but I can’t remember where because I was so focused on his facial hair and being fearful for poor Anna, who must have never gotten the memo that you should never trust a man with mutton chops. Anna tells Elsa that her and Hans plan to marry, and Elsa – like any respectable older sister – tells Anna she’s crazy, shoots out some ice, and sends Arendelle into an eternal winter. The people of Arendelle accuse Elsa of being some sort of evil sorceress, so she flees to the North Mountain and Anna goes after her, leaving Hans in charge of the kingdom. Along the way, she runs into mountain man Kristoff and his BFF/pet reindeer Sven, as well as a talking snowman named Olaf who was a product of Elsa’s and has some insight as to where she went.

Although the setup of the film did have its fun moments, the writers squeezed in a lot in a short amount of time – sometimes a bit haphazardly. Within the first half hour, Elsa almost killed Anna for the first time, their parents died, Anna fell in “love,” and then Elsa almost killed Anna for a second time – exposing her powers. The film didn’t really take off for me until Elsa fled to the mountains and burst out into one of the most “Screw Everyone, I’m Awesome” songs of all time: Let It Go. I’m including it here because if you haven’t heard it yet well, what’s wrong with you? And if you have, your play count is probably in the double digits already so why not make it triple:

I love this number for so many reasons, from Idina Menzel’s powerful vocals to the fierce look Elsa gives as she slams the doors to her ice castle closed at the end. It’s an anthem for anyone who beats to their own drum and has ever felt like they had to hide it. It challenges girls everywhere to shed those obedient female stereotypes society has laid out for us and to just do our own thing. I could seriously write a whole review about just this one song. But, I won’t. From that moment on, the film really took on a life of its own. I loved the spunk that Kristen Bell brought to Anna. I loved the innocence that Josh Gad brought to Olaf: a snowman whose only wish is to feel the warmth of summer. And even though I saw the ending coming the second the trolls said “only an act of true love can cure a frozen heart,” I loved that what saved Anna in the end wasn’t her love for a man, but her love for her sister. One thing that did really bother me though was Han’s reveal as a villain. I knew it was going to happen the whole time, but I just hoped it wouldn’t. Granted, the movie needed a bad guy, but this just seemed like a cheap mechanic to use to add some drama. Plus, they named him Hans and like… poor Hans Christian Andersen who inspired the story, amiright?!

Truthfully, even though Anna was the selfless one who sacrificed herself for her sister, Elsa remains the heroine for me. Perhaps it’s because, particularly at this stage in my life, I identify more with her: a good girl/perfectionist who grows up in fear of showing her true colors until the pressures of adulthood leave her no choice but to just let it go. Elsa is my soul sister, and I thought it was really cool to see another Disney heroine with absolutely NO love interest (Brave’s Merida being the first to my knowledge). Hopefully Frozen’s box office numbers will inspire Disney to make more movies about fearless heroines who don’t need no man to legitimize their awesomeness.

To end, here’s a throwback to my figure skating days. I’m the one in green with the churro gut:

Aw, shucks! I totally forgot to fit in a Polar Vortex/Disney marketing scheme joke somewhere… Too easy.

The Chick Flick Critic Is Back!

Hello! So, I haven’t made a review on here since the colossal flop that was Rock of Ages. Mostly this was because in July 2012, I left the freelance world and started a full-time job at a television network which has been totally awesome, yet time consuming. (UGH, total cop-out I know!) But additionally, there was kind of a lull in the chick flick market. There were months and months where none would come out, and then one would and it’d be awful, even by MY standards. Every time I went to start a new review, I’d get uninspired and it’d just sit in my draft box (I promise one day I will publish these as they are because the sporadic train of ridiculous thought I wrote down for a post called “Tragic Mike” is something really special). With the exception of Pitch Perfect – which WAS perfect – I really can’t think of another chick flick that I truly LOVED from August 2012 to November 2013.

And then something beautiful happened. Something I have decided to dub “The Renaissance of The Chick Flick”. Within a span of a few weeks, Hollywood decided to bless us with a handful of seriously solid chick flicks (Her, Catching Fire, and Frozen to name a few)! Even the ones that weren’t perfect, were still enjoyable… like About Time. Anyway, I began to feel left out of my own party and made it a resolution to start this site back up. In addition to reviewing new films, I will also retroactively go back and review some that I missed in my break (like Pitch Perfect), as well as some older ones that are just classics. Because why not?

So stay tuned ladies! Missed ya!

Every Rose Has Its Thorn

Rock of Ages (2012)
Chick Flick Rating: ♥ ♥ (2/5)
Film Rating: ★ ½ (1.5/5)
Boyfriend friendly: Yeah, def (Leppard).

Let me tell you a little story: When I was a freshman in college, I began writing my first musical, called I Wanna Rock. It was set in the 80’s in a run-down NYC night club that was on the brink of foreclosure and the soundtrack consisted of all 80’s classics such as Here I Go Again, Hit Me With Your Best Shot, Don’t Stop Believing, We Built This City, Shadows of the Night, etc. Having such a hardcore infatuation with all things 80’s, this quickly became my passion project so when the script was near completion, I began showing it to a few of my privileged classmates – hoping that one of them was actually the granddaughter of Hal Prince or something. None of them were, so I shelved the script figuring I’d just wait until I met the right person. Cut to 2 years later, when I am living in London, and I get a letter from one of those classmates. The letter is enclosed with a press release for a new musical opening on Broadway, called Rock of Ages, which is set in the 80’s in a run-down Hollywood night club that is on the brink of foreclosure and the soundtrack consists of all 80’s classics such as Here I Go Again, Hit Me With Your Best Shot, Don’t Stop Believing, We Built This City, Shadows of the Night, etc. I may have been across the pond, but I’m pretty sure my scream that night rocked all of Broadway like a hurricane.

A year later, after conducting hours of stealthy sleuthing to make sure none of the people that read my script were in any way affiliated with this production and finally concluding that it was just a bizarre coincidence, I went to see Rock of Ages on Broadway. And I had a ton of fun. In fact, I was actually relieved because I liked it so much. Of course, mine would have been better – (How could they forget about Jessie’s Girl?!) – but it was high energy, really funny, and they gave out free lighters to wave in the air with every program. I left the theater with a healed heart and an idea for a completely new musical (whose premise I will not reveal to a single soul). Unfortunately, the Rock of Ages movie adaptation was missing the energy, the funny, and the free lighters, and my wounded heart ached all over again while watching it.

It probably comes as no surprise that I am a huge musical goer. There is perhaps nothing in the world that I enjoy more. However, I have never been a huge fan of musicals on screen. With the exception of Grease and Buffy the Vampire Slayer’s “Once More With Feeling” episode, on-screen musicals generally feel very detached and just out of place. I mean, I don’t even really like Glee. But then, a few years ago, Adam Shankman came out with Hairspray – which totally blew away my expectations – and I thought, “Yes! There is a director who finally gets it.” So when I heard he was directing Rock of Ages, I was fairly confident that my baby was in good hands. Wrong. In fairness to him, I think the film was in trouble before it even got to his desk – mainly due to a script that took out some of the best scenes in the musical to make room for weaker characters, flatter jokes, and a bunch of big names that give small performances.

In the stage version, Drew – an aspiring rockstar by day, Bourbon Room busboy by night – is the lead character, but whoever it is that plays him in the movie isn’t strong enough or interesting enough and the focus quickly shifts to his love interest, Sherrie (Julianne Hough): a small-town girl living in a lonely world who took the midnight train bus from Oklahoma to seek some Hollywood fame. Hough is made for musicals, but her Sherrie was a little too sugary for me. Although the Broadway version is light-hearted and fun, the characters are gritty and real, and Sherrie makes some selfish choices to further her career (i.e. having groupie bathroom sex with rock god Stacee Jaxx). In the movie, any mistakes Sherrie makes are simply written off as a big misunderstanding. Catherine Zeta-Jones, who generally does no wrong in my eyes, actually disappointed me as the Mayor’s determined wife who wants to clean up Sunset Strip. Her acting was fine, but her rendition of Hit Me With Your Best Shot was not all that jazz, if you catch my drift. To be honest, I’ve performed karoake versions of that song better while drunk off my ass. I never like Alec Baldwin, so I won’t even bore you with that tirade. But most upsetting was that my favorite character in the musical, Regina (pronounced like vagina but with a ‘R’), a birkenstock-wearing Berkely grad devoted to saving the Bourbon Room, was cut out of the movie completely to make room for Russell Brand and Malin Akerman. Brand, whose sole purpose in life must be prancing around like an unbathed unicorn that shouts British expletives whenever he gets the urge, made me laugh exactly once. Akerman, on the other hand, was pretty adorbs as a Rolling Stone reporter in tortoise-rimmed glasses, and even though I was convinced her rendition of Foreigner’s I Want To Know What Love Is was totally autotuned, I may be wrong because I have since found out that she is the lead singer of a Swedish band, The Petalstones. Hmpf. In my opinion, they should have cut Brand out and had Akerman play the Regina character and a whole lotta better would’ve come from it.

Surprisingly, I really liked Tom Cruise as the Axl Rose-esque rock legend, Stacee Jaxx. I didn’t think I would buy him as a badass all tatted up with guyliner and assless chaps, but he did Def Leppard proud singing Pour Some Sugar On Me. I was also happy that they made his character somewhat redeeming towards the end, cause Jaxx is just a total villain in the stage production. Paul Giamatti, who played Jaxx’s skeevy manager, is always a delight and my only regret is that they didn’t have him sing because I think that could have added some much needed comedy.

Due to my personal attachment to the story and the fact that I’ve seen the musical, my film review might be a little harsher than others. But, I still don’t think I’d recommend the movie even if that weren’t the case. However, if you do get the opportunity to catch the stage show, whether on Broadway or a local production, definitely do that! It’s a really fun premise (if I do say so myself) that just wasn’t conveyed through the film adaptation. Now I just have to start mentally preparing myself for the emotional anguish that is bound to occur when my favorite musical ever, Les Miserables, self combusts in front of my eyes this Christmas. I lost all faith in this movie when I heard they were considering Taylor Swift for Eponine. Then they released the trailer and holy Lord, I know the world disagrees with me, but Anne Hathaway’s I Dreamed A Dream has got to be the weakest performance I have ever heard of that song ever. (And I’ve seen it staged over 15 times, from Broadway, to the West End, to my local middle school). I generally love Anne, but “toned down” my ass. You only tone things down when someone can’t hit the real notes. Hopefully I’m wrong, but I’m convinced the only thing that will save this film is if NPH and Jason Segel have a surprise cameo performance during The Confrontation:

Snow White and the Hunksman

Snow White and the Huntsman (2012)
Chick Flick Rating: ♥ ♥ ♥ ½ (3.5/5)
Film Rating: ★ ★ ★ ½ (3.5/5)
Boyfriend friendly: Just tell him that you’re going to see “that new movie with Thor”. You won’t be lying, and he’ll think you’re going to The Avengers for the 9th time.

I already went into a rant about how lame of a princess Snow White is in my review of Mirror Mirror, so I won’t dwell on that any longer (although I will point out that Disney World must have had a reason for taking down Snow White’s Scary Adventure this May). Therefore, it should be no surprise that I had zero desire to sit through another disastrous attempt at remaking an already mediocre story – and judging by the drab three minute trailer that just did not appeal to me at all, I was certain this would be just that. But I knew I had to see it for the purposes of this blog, so I dragged myself out of bed this morning to catch an 11:30AM showing ($4 movie tix before noon, yo!) and by, George, I think I liked it!

Snow White and the Huntsman closely follows the well-known tale (evil queen obsessed with beauty, talking mirror, poisonous apple, seven dwarfs) but adds a few welcome additions (sexy huntsman, intense battle sequences, evil queen back story). Ravenna (Charlize Theron) is an evil sorceress with some serious Daddy issues. She has a nasty habit of feeding from attractive women to sustain her own beauty, seducing powerful men with said beauty, then killing them and taking over their kingdoms. Unfortunately Snow’s father, King Magnus (Noah Huntley), is no exception. For reasons we never really understand, Ravenna decides to spare her pretty, young step-daughter Snow White (Kristen Stewart), and locks her up in a high tower. Years later, however, her magic mirror reveals that Snow’s beating heart is the one thing keeping Ravenna from immortality. She sends her brother to retrieve Snow from her prison cell, but Snow pulls the ole stab-him-in-the-eye-with-a-rusty-nail trick and escapes. Moral of the story: Never send a man to do a woman’s job. Snow makes a break for the eerie Dark Forest, where the Evil Queen’s powers are useless. Ravenna hires the only Huntsman (Chris Hemsworth) who has been to the Forest (and lived to tell the tale) to chase after her. He finds Snow in like 3 seconds flat, but is so struck by her beauty and kindness that he decides to switch sides and help her in her journey to find Duke Hammond (Vincent Regan), an old friend of her father, and his son William (Sam Claflin), her childhood bestie. With all of her new allies, including a band of dwarfs led by Bob Hoskins, a revolt is planned to claim Snow’s rightful throne.

Let me start out by stating the obvious: Charlize Theron was absolutely magnificent as Ravenna. Her Evil Queen was dark and, of course, evil but also very complex. She wasn’t just evil for evil’s sake, like the Queen in the original Snow White or in Mirror Mirror. There is a good reason she is so full of hate, and at times I truly felt sorry for her. Of course, that doesn’t mean that I didn’t want Snow to completely kick her ass in the end. Chris Hemsworth also surprised as the hunksman huntsman ’cause I have to be honest: Thor just does not do it for me. I guess I prefer the superheroes who make their own power, like Iron Man and Batman, which is no fault of Chris Hemsworth, but I definitely preferred him here as the brooding huntsman who drinks just a little too much but always steps in at a clutch moment. He also was the only one with any sort of funny lines in a movie that could have used just a tad more comic relief. And K. Stew was actually tolerable in the title role. Her accent went in and out, but she did a good job at making Snow pretty resourceful and kind of badass. Think Katniss, not dainty princess. She also wasn’t required to smile until the last two seconds, so that must have made it a bit easier for her.

The costumes were completely stunning. I loved every single item that Ravenna wore, from her beaded gold dresses to her cloak made of raven’s feathers, and Colleen Atwood’s homage to the original Snow White costume – little hints of red in the sleeves of Snow’s dress – made me smile. Rupert Sanders also created a fantastical world, complete with a petrifying Dark Forest, some interesting-looking fairies (they look like the killer aliens from Galaxy Quest!), and some scary-ass evil soldiers who form out of shards of black glass. It surprises me to say that this movie was more faithful to the original story than Mirror Mirror, and every addition or change was carefully thought out and welcomed (including a twist to the classic poisoned apple scene and a LOVE TRIANGLE, which every half-decent movie with Kristen Stewart apparently needs). Don’t be fooled though: this is not a “fun for the whole family” fairy tale and the little kid in my theater who sobbed throughout the entire Dark Forest scene is proof.

Of course, there were problems. The movie dragged considerably in the middle, and it seemed like Sanders began slipping things in just so he had an excuse to play with some fancy CGI. There is one too many fight sequences, and a scene with a white deer who has abnormally large antlers that could have just been cut out and no one would’ve known the diff. It also raised a lot of unanswered questions: Wouldn’t Snow be a little unstable after being held captive all those years? If the Evil Queen hates men so much, why isn’t she a bit more compassionate towards women? And for Christ’s sake, why were Stewart and Hemsworth the only two soldiers without protective helmets in the final battle scene? I thought it was supposed to be safety, not sexy, first!

Honestly, this might just be the “fairest” of all the Snow White movies. That’s a bold claim though, because I don’t think I’ve actually seen the original Snow White since that time I was 5 and I tried to make the well in our backyard garden talk back to me, like she does in the beginning, and I fell down it and cut up my leg pretty badly. True story. Anyway, I still think the Snow White story kinda sucks and I am much more excited for Maleficient: the live-action take on Sleeping Beauty starring Angelina Jolie due out in 2014.

I Think I’ll Just Adopt, Thanks.

DISCLAIMER: For someone who claims to be a Chick Flick Connoisseur, I have to be honest… I was a bit naughty and chose to see The Avengers and MIB 3 before seeing What To Expect When You’re Expecting. Although I don’t regret that choice, I do regret having to wait so long in between posts because of it. My apologies!

What To Expect When You’re Expecting (2012)
Chick Flick Rating: ♥ ♥ ½ (2.5/5)
Film Rating: ★ ★ (2/5)
Boyfriend friendly: It’s an easy way to get him to quit bitching about wearing condoms.

Let me preface this review by saying that I have a serious fear of pregnancy. I blame my Dad, which I know is a weird thing to say in context, but he’s the one who had me watch Alien when I was only 5 years old. I’m not sure if it was his intent – though I wouldn’t put it past him – but all it took was that one scene where the alien rips itself out of Kane’s chest and Daddy never had to worry about his little girl ending up on 16 & Pregnant. Don’t get me wrong, I want to have kids some day… but I kind of just hope they’ll appear out of thin air because pregnancy really scares the living shit out of me. After a baby is born? I love them, they’re adorbs. While in the belly? They’re creepy naked mole-rat looking aliens. And those horrible new 3D ultrasounds that are flooding my Facebook newsfeed (despite the fact I keep reporting them as spam) aren’t helping me any.

What To Expect When You’re Expecting, based on the self-help book of the same name, follows five couples during those nine terrifying beautiful months before the baby arrives. Jules (Cameron Diaz) is a celebrity fitness guru who gets pregnant by her boyfriend, and partner on a Dancing-With-The-Stars-esque show, Evan (Matthew Morrison). Their clashing schedules are nothing compared to their clashing personalties – as they disagree on seemingly every aspect of child rearing, from name choices to the morality of circumcision. Wendy (Elizabeth Banks) is a parenting author and owner of a children’s boutique, The Breast Choice. After years of trying, Wendy and her husband Gary (Ben Falcone) finally get pregnant only to find that their “happy glow period” is marred with every side effect in the book: nausea, gas, itchiness, hemrrhoids. Not to mention that Gary’s Dad (Dennis Quaid), a highly competitive race car driver, and his young trophy wife (Brooklyn Decker) are also expecting… and they’re having twins. Photographer Holly (J. Lo) and music producer Alex (the hot Brazilian model from Love Actually) are all set and ready to adopt an Ethiopian baby… until they get the call saying that one is actually available. And finally, Rosie (Anna Kendrick) and Marco (Chace Crawford) are rival food truck chefs whose one night stand has one big consequence.

Ensemble films are always tricky because there are so many killer cast members and so little screen time. Certain films, like Love Actually, Rat Race, and even the more recent Think Like A Man, pull it off and enable the audience to feel like they have gotten a fairly even dose of each character. Other films, like He’s Just Not That Into You, Valentine’s Day, and New Year’s Eve, cut back and forth between the characters so haphazardly that the second you begin to care about one story line, you’re onto the next one. This movie fell somewhere in between. The pacing was smooth and each character had their fair share of screen time, but they didn’t necessarily make all that screen time count. Honestly, it was like for every awesome or original character/circumstance the writers slipped in, they also had to put an equally annoying or clichéd one. For example: Elizabeth Banks was hysterical as the anguished pregnant woman who pees her pants in public more than once, but Brooklyn Decker was completely irritating and one-dimensional as her ditzy step-mom-in-law. Surprisingly, I was not all that convinced by the performance of Jennifer Lopez (a real life mom), but was totally sold on the one by Cameron Diaz (not a real life mom). Diaz was over-the-top but entertaining as the concerned mommy-to-be who doesn’t want her baby daddy calling any of the shots (who can blame her?). On the other hand, Lopez also called all of the shots regarding her baby, but it was so melodramatic and I don’t know if her and her husband actually liked each other (but their baby shower was AWESOME). And sometimes Anna Kendrick’s role choices just baffle me. She’s such a great actress, yet she chooses to do movies like this and Twilight. Maybe she just wanted to M.O. with Chace Crawford? I guess I can’t blame her for that. BTDubs– what is up with all of these food truck chef characters? The last THREE films I’ve reviewed have had them! Is that the only trendy occupation in the world right now?

In all seriousness, the best part of the movie actually had nothing to do with the moms at all. When I first saw the WTEWYE “Dudes Group” trailer a few months back, it felt a bit off and completely catered to the wrong demographic. Now, I totally get it. Led by Chris Rock, this clueless group of dads don’t just deserve their own trailer – they deserve their own movie. (I am also happy to report that even though a lot of their humor is given away in that trailer, there are plenty of funny lines that aren’t. Yay!)

What To Expect When You’re Expecting definitely had its fair share of belly-laughing moments. There were also a ton of times that I didn’t laugh, but every single parent in the theater did… so I should probably revisit this movie at some point in the way distant future when I have children (who, of course, have all appeared out of thin air). I just wish they had decided to take a few more risks with it! Instead of the subpar storylines about an old dude and his young wife, or two food truck rivals who have a one night stand, why not try something a bit more modern like same-sex parents, a pregnant teenager, or even a man who is excited about having a child, but a woman who is the hesitant one? There wasn’t even an interracial relationship in the bunch! They paired the Brazilian dude with Jennifer Lopez! Like, come on people – how obvious is that?

Bottom line: What To Expect When You’re Expecting is pretty much exactly what you’d expect. Entertaining, sometimes laugh out loud funny, but you’re life doesn’t really change from seeing it… At least not as much as your body changes when that alien-cyclops-fetus begins forming inside of you and takes control of your entire being.

In honor of the upcoming Prometheus, which is an Alien prequel in case you didn’t know, I decided it would be fitting to mash up the audio of the Prometheus trailer with the visuals of the WTEWYE trailer. I call it: What To Expect When You’re Expecting Prometheus. Enjoy!-